lost

I lost myself. That's what things feel like.

Have you ever realized that thing usually have to sides? Upside and downside.

I have engaged in some sort of relationship. It is, or was a hole lot of drama. It's messy. It's exhausting. And it's nice, too. At times.

But in that process I feel like I have lost myself. Letting someone close means being vulnerable. Intensely vulnerable and emotionally dependent - at least that's what it means to me.

I don't know who I am anymore. My focus has shifted, my eating is messy, too and the mere thought of losing weight scares the living hell out of me. Or I just don't have the strength or energy to focus on that right now.

I don't know.

I don't seem to know anything anymore. I have lost my focus. Things are changing which is what I wanted to begin with, but I cannot seem to handle it. It's hard.

I spent the last 2 years catching up on my teens and twenties which I originally spent overweight and depressed mostly in bed or on a couch with food and TV. Now it seems that this phase of partying is over and it freaks me out.

And for the first time in years I cannot be considered 'single' anymore and I don't know how to be in a relationship.

I feel as weak and vulnerable as I never have before in my life - I wonder where my strength went.