At least it sounds kinda 'athletic' - so I can live the illusion of a sports injury. Well, it is rather likely that I caught it in the gym.
The really sucky part is what it does to me. Or rather, what I let it do to me. I feel imprisoned. I cannot leave the house. I went shopping yesterday, hobbled to the supermarket which fortunately is very close by. But it hurt and only made matters worse.
Worst part: I CANNOT GO TO THE GYM!
I've gotten so used to it and I need to work out for my sanity. Not only does it make me keep my calories in check, but my biggest benefit is sanity and keeping the depression in control.
So naturally, what does one binge-eater do when caved in, lonely and bored?
I have been asking myself a lot recently, what sane, 'normal', people without eating disorders do, when confronted with overwhelming feelings.
It seems that I don't even really feel what's going on most of the times. I just feel this pressure, this NEED to eat. And only, if I let that pass, which is the hardest thing in the world, I find out what's really going on.
It's like my brain knows already, it's gonna hurt and will be intensely painful if I allow of these feelings to hit me - so instead I feel the force to eat to prevent myself from negative, painful feelings.
But it's only a short term relief. I know that. Because once the binge has been completed the guilt kicks in. With all associated accusations, condescending self-talk, self-hatred, feelings of worthlessness.
So - ultimately there is no gain in this mechanism. Only very short term relief.
I guess I need to find another strategy, or the guts to face the feelings in the first place. How? I don't know quite yet.
Suggestions and ideas will be appreciated greatly....
It IS so hard to fight the binge urges and feel our negative feelings, but you are correct that we emotional eaters must absolutely learn to do this if we are to have any success long-term.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some foolproof tips on how to make this easier, but I don't. All I know is that doing some self-talk each morning helps me. To reprogram my brain, I tell myself:
*Both good and bad things/feelings are going to happen to me today. It's just part of life and not an emergency. I will appreciate the good things, learn whatever I can from the bad, and remember that no state is permanent.
*Doing things that make me uncomfortable is the only way to grow. And I want to grow.
*Food can't solve anything besides hunger. The idea that it can is an illusion.
These little affirmations don't solve everything, but when I find myself freaking out (which leads to me eating stupidly), more and more often my little reprogramming messages float into consciousness and they make me pause. I don't go running to the food right away every time, like I used to.
I think we all have to find individual ways of "reprogramming" ourselves...it's a long, slow process but I wish you well in finding what works best for you. Keep trying!