a long post...

I have the feeling I am slowly beginning to figure things out. Very slowly. Veeery slowly.

These days I am seriously boycotting my weight loss. Well, not me really, it's my ill-wired, unreasonable  subconscious.

Nice to have someone else to blame, isn't it?

Anyways, once I got below my vicious number, (that number stuck in my head I've been trying to get under for over a year now) which happened a couple of weeks ago, I started freaking out, losing every control over my eating. I had done pretty well before, without going to the scale and actually being unaware that I had surpassed this barrier. As long as I didn't know, I was mostly fine.

I was delighted to find out that I did manage to get below the magic number, and so happy for a little while. then something changed.

I have been rather depressed lately, with my head going insane, cruising around the same thoughts over and over again, trying to figure myself out, but getting stuck. Over and over again.

So I am happy to report that I finally, after 8 months of trying, managed to get into therapy. I had 2 sessions so far, and although I know its not a quick fix (unfortunately) I know its a way into the right direction.

Back to the topic at hand. I feel like I am way too vulnerable for losing more weight. I feel so unprotected and helpless, too approachable and too close to people. The more weight I lose, and specifically once I am under that barrier I cannot handle it. That number seems to protect me enough to keep people at a somewhat acceptable distance.

Let me make this clear. As soon as I am being approached, appreciated, or even looked at, I freak out. I am disgusted and feel like I have no protection whatsoever. I was in the tram to a job interview on Monday, wearing a skirt, see though tights and high boots - and this guy, who was actually facing the other direction, turned his head and stared at me... he didn't just look briefly, he STARED and wouldn't turn around. I got so timid and angry that I had to walk away and find myself another spot.

I think I got asked out the other night. I was having a couple of beers with friends, and some guy I just talked to for a while asked me to go for a drink somewhere else. You know what I did? Went home and passed by McDonalds on my way home, ending up on my couch with lots of fast food and my TV. Felt way safer there.

I mean, everybody looks at people to a certain extend. But I never got these kinda reactions when I was still really big. I was invisible, not worth a second look - I bet some people didn't even notice me, or realized I was there. And although that is a miserable state to be in, it does come with a certain comfort. I hate being looked at.

And I hate to feel so vulnerable and like someone is invading my privacy. And that's what it is to me. I don't even like to have people coming to my house. I hate everything that comes to close to me. And the less weight there is, the closer people come to me - literally. Physically. And it makes me freak out. I notice myself making a step back, often, when someone is invading my personal space. Elevators are fun, I can tell you....

So I am super frustrated that I am not losing weight anymore, for such a long time now. On the other hand, I really dont want to.

Cause losing more, would mean opening up. Letting people in. Close. Let someone care for me. And I don't know how to do that. I have always been alone, always had to take care for myself, fight for myself. No family support whatsoever, if all, they threw stones in my way to make things even harder. I live my life having imprinted in my brain that I don't deserve anything - so if someone throws gifts at me or if life comes up with good things, like job offers - I feel punished.

People who are treating me nicely I can't accept. I rather spend my time being used or taken advantage of. That gives me a certain kind of comfort. I didn't even realize that there are people out there, who do care and mean no harm to me until quite recently, because I was seeing everything through the glasses of being sure everybody finds me annoying and i'd rather not existed, like the world would be better off without me.

And I cannot seem to get over that. I hide. I am lonely and feel like no one wants to see me, or talk to me, like i am just a nuisance to everyone - therefor I myself withdraw from people. Self fulfilling prophecy.

Interestingly, that believe of does not match reality anymore. And this is exactly the point where I get lost. Everything I always knew and was so sure of, doesn't match the real world. This is hard to explain, but it's like you knew your whole life the sea is blue and now someone is trying to convince you that it has been green all along. It's kind of earth shattering.

When people actually want to see me, care for me, like me - I still do literally everything to get out. Get away. I have no idea how to handle or accept love, or kindness. No clue. It just scares the living hell out of me. And once I realize, I start acting up, testing them, unconsciously manipulate the relationship until I get what I need, abandonment. Because its always been like that. Eventually everybody will leave. Everything comes to an end.

I still haven't figured out all the answers yet. Why I am so convinced to be left, dropped like a hot potato. And why I am so entangled in that believe or pattern that I have to recreate it over and over again, getting hurt every single time. At the same time expecting it - getting all confused and messed up, once it doesn't happen.

These issues really hit me last Thursday. I was having my weekly session with my personal trainer. I have been training with him for more than 2 years now, and we're more friends now, than just me being his client. Although it is theoretically a working relationship, and he is always there. I don't even remember how many times I came to my session in pieces, for whatever reason. and he picked them up, listened, walked me home, let me talk and always came up with ideas or comfort.

He just cares for me. And AI can't have it.

It freaks me out. On Thursday, I was so frustrated that my fucking weight loss would not progress, or just all emotional for several reasons, and I told him I was considering to just quit, give up.

And you know what happened? He started thinking, trying to help me figure things out, and in the end not only suggested, but kinda pushed me into intensify my training with him. He suggested I should come 3 times a week instead of one, but he would only charge me once, my regular session!?!?!?!

That was the exact moment when things clashed. I try to be abandoned, expecting him to be happy that I would finally leave him alone - and the exact opposite happened. While running up and down the stairs I started crying. I couldn't bare him being so..... wonderful. The opposite of what I had intended happened. I wanted to be left.

Or I really was just testing him. Later on he said that since I have been so loyal with him, for more than 2 years, he just wants me to be happy. And that I am more than just a client to him. And asked 'you know that, do you?' - like several times before. Cognitively I know. But I cannot understand or accept that. I have no clue what being taken care of feels like. Or how to handle it. Accept it.

Eventually I realized, I was either testing him, or trying to make my pattern work. Subconsciously. If he doesn't reject me already, I would have to leave him. I don't want to do either of these things. He does not deserve that. I didn't do it consciously and only realized later on, what I had done.

Moreover, I realized that was the second time already. I remembered that in November I had told him I wanted to have a break of four weeks, due to financial reasons. In retrospect I believe I, or my lovely subconscious rather, fabricated that as well. trying to see what's gonna happen. Back then already - he decided it would not be good idea to pause the training and decided to not charge me for a month.

So I guess this time I to take this testing a step further. And I wonder how many times I am gonna try to screw this up. Hopefully not, until I actually manage......