safe enough?

recently I haven given away ALL my fat-clothes. EVERYTHING.

Gave it to a friend who was about my size from 2 years ago. All my favorite things, the big woolen sweaters that I thought cover everything, pants, shirts, jackets, everything...

So I have no more back-up.

Interestingly enough, I had packed everything into a box, more than half a year ago already. I packed it, wrapped it, put her address on it, and then, I could't let go of it. It stood in a corner of my apartment for months...

Then she came to visit, and we opened the box together, she tried everything on, most things fit perfectly and I got all sad and emotional. Wanted to hang on to things, thinking maybe I can still wear this or that...

Picked some items and seriously considered keeping some of them. But eventually I let go of all of them. It's not that I miss them really, but letting go of this part of me, the really big part, is hard. Almost like losing a friend. And I don't know the evolving person under all that fat yet.

I STILL don't know who I am, when not 'fat' anymore. That's what mostly defined me all my life.

This is actually an issue I rarely read anything about on weight-loss blogs. The DOWNSIDE of weight loss.

YES you heard me - the DOWNSIDE. The negative, scary feelings one is confronted with when losing their shield.

I wrote about it in this February post  already - and I am still struggling with that.

Somehow I must be so scared to go lower in weight, that whenever I stick to plan, feel that I am losing something in my head switches and I start eating again. Because weighing less than I do now, scares the living hell out of me...

And after a year or so doing this, I have run out of ideas how to convince myself that it is safe enough to lose more weight....