flying blind

for more than a year now, I have been stuck with my weight. the same 5 kg have been going on and off.
Before this plateau I had been losing weight quite constantly, an average 2 kg a month - 27 kg (60lbs) altogether.

Then, last year I stopped. I wasn't too worried in the beginning. I didn't gain. I just got stuck. I  kept on going to the gym. Maybe not as much as before... but I kept going.

Ever since then I have been twisting my head in every direction, what the reasons might be. For once, it has been a crazy year. With too much change, challenges, road-blocks, depression and anxiety throwing me back light years...

Then, every weight for me carries memories, or associations from the past. And the weight I got stuck with was approximately that I had when I was with my ex-boyfriend.

Which is the same that I had last year when I met someone I really fell for. Skipping the details on that, the bottom line was, it didn't work out. And it still hurts to this day, I still think about him. Cannot seem to let go although we haven't been in contact for months.

Maybe the connection is, that whenever I get lower than that particular weight, I get hurt - badly. Or so I think. So in order to avoid more pain, or someone getting too close to me, my subconscious tells me to get back to a weight where I feel safe enough.

I have no strategy in place to defend myself otherwise. Or not yet. Of course I want someone in my life, I don't want to be alone forever - on the other hand it scares the livin' shit out of me - I am scared not only of physical contact, but even the thought of sleeping in the same room with anyone is a thought I cannot bear.

So I can feel I have lost some weight - a couple of weeks ago I felt I went below my 'invisible border' - I felt terribly awkward. Too bony and hard, especially my legs. Where my knees touched the was no cushion of soft fat protecting the bones. On a psychological level I felt unprotected, weak, helpless even.

Bottom line is, I am flying blind now, avoiding the knowledge of what the scale says - to trick myself into passing the invisible border without me noticing it.

My weight is being recorded every couple of weeks by my nutritionist who doesn't tell me the numbers. From her reaction last time, I know things are going in the right direction - DOWN. Which is good. And scary at the same time.

I never expected weight loss to be so ambiguous. All I ever wanted was to lose weight as fast as possible. I never in the world anticipated that it would be so difficult on an emotional level. I never understood why - at times - I WANT to be fat. And how many functions this weight actually has...

So how do I face the world without my fatty protection? How do I learn to let people close? How do I protect myself without fat as a barrier?