eating is just the symptom

.Eating is just the symptom.

Once more I painfully had to realize that. But how do I fix the underlying cause?

I am not good these days. Not good at all.

My family situation is a dreadful a disaster at the moment. And there is nothing I can do about it. Try dealing with a (or 2 really) narcissists... well. You cannot. You can only stay away from them. Which is not easy when they take over the rest of the family, so you are left all alone.

I recently got out of a terrible job which left me with a burn-out, that I am still trying to recover from.

I have lost a couple of friends, 3 to be specific. For different reasons. Actually I decided to stay away from 2 of them, because they were not healthy for me. Quite the opposite to be honest. But with this loss my days and routines have changed dramatically, and I am not good with changes, not good at all.

Since June I have been trying to get help, to get into therapy, once again. So far I have only been turned down and it's exhausting to keep on trying.

On top of it all my friend and roommate is moving out, moving in with her boyfriend. Which totally pulled the last bit of rug from under my feet. Not only does it make me painfully aware that I am lonely, single, partnerless, alone... it also disturbs me to the core. I am super sensitive when it comes to my living situation. I need it to be stable and any disturbance just leaves me shattered.

So now, in this state of desperateness I have to find myself another roommate, which seems like an unmanageable task right now.

If you happen to know someone in Amsterdam looking for a nice room in a nice area - contact me!!

It seems too much, just too much to handle right now. I don't know where to start, don't have energy to do anything. All I do is cry. Cry at the office, which worries my colleagues, which makes me feel ashamed.
Also I am not able to concentrate and make stupid mistakes...

Yesterday I broke down when having personal training - that was embarrassing. I had thought working out would be a good idea. Apparently for once it wasn't.

I went to the gym 5 times last week - even that did not seem to help or stabilize my mood anymore. Most of the times I am just too scared to do anything right now.

My friends tell me to get out, meet new people...bla... I cannot hear it anymore. One more damn  stupid advise and I freak out. It's not that they don't mean well or anything - but I just don't have the guts or energy to do anything right now. I hate these quick fix suggestions. But I guess it's hardly possible to make anyone understand how I actually feel. Moreover I know depressed people are fucking annoying and very selfish in their disease...

With all this being said, no wonder my eating is a disaster. It's sad, and very unfortunate, but this is what I do when times get rough. I don't like it. At all. But i feel eating is what keeps me from going nuts. Hiding at home and calming myself with cakes and such keeps me from panicking. Confronting anything unknown, even going to a different supermarket is just not doable right now.

Where do I go from here?

What happened to the girl from last year, who was constantly losing weight, having fun, going out, meeting people, growing all these muscles? Taking on all these challenges?

I hope she is still there, somewhere....