major rant

Day light saving time. great. so they (whoever that is) stole a whole hour from me today. pah!

Just adds up to my all-over frustration, sadness, weakness, the feeling of being overwhelmed and all but on track.

I think I actually might suffer from symptoms of a burn-out. and on top of it all, instead of treating myself well, rest and recover all I manage to do is beat myself up about it.

The first thing I managed to do this morning was spilling a huge cup of coffee all over the place, the floor, the sofa - miraculously the computer stayed dry. At least.

My roomate is is Paris with the new boyfriend - and I am happy she is so happy. But also I am lonely and sad that I am alone. I rarely get to see her at all anymore - and I hate coming home to an empty house.

Another friend, who I basically was in contact with every day, decided she "didn't fee chatty" about 2 weeks ago and disappeared on me. I got worried and all I got out of her via skype was "not to worry" and her calling me paranoid, because I was worried. I was supposed to "let it go" as it was not about me, and apparently I did nothing wrong - but she just disappeared. Leaving me worried, alone and feeling abandoned.

And to be honest, I found it very rude and selfish. So yesterday she calls me and leaves a message, saying "hi, this is the person you probably hate by now, call me" - ha!

I am still too hurt and upset and feel to weak to bring my point across to her, that this is simply not something you do to friends - disappear for no apparent reason. But of course I miss her.

On top of my personal life work has been crazy - and I mean CRAZY lately. So crazy that I barely had time to get myself a coffee or even go to the bathroom at times. Neither did I take my one hour lunch-break. I was doing the job which is supposed to be done by 4 -5 people, at the same time supposed to train the new hires... I dunno what they are thinking. Or if they are thinking at all.

So while working my ass off, trying to keep everything under control, with this workload it is absolutely impossible to be 100% accurate which made people upset - so the reward for my commitment was being yelled at. Which leaves me beating myself up even more. Because I am not good enough (for doing a job of 4!! people).

I mean I love this city, Amsterdam, that I chose to live in - but it's hard. I never realized that before. Living abroad, even if it's just the country next to your own - is just different. Things work differently, the system does. I only get to realize this with time, or because I am not planning to go back to Germany - but I have no clue how the healthcare system works, I have no clue who to call, who to talk to if I have a question about taxes for example.  And that is just one example.

Also it seems that Amsterdam for so many people is just one stop, on their way. People come and go - I have seen so many friends leave - and it's heartbreaking.

On top of it all, I mean, I do speak Dutch, and everybody speaks English in this country - but my level of Dutch is not suffcient for calling the tax-office for example. And they get annoyed when being approached in English - which they do speak - but then again, I live here, and if I want to stay here, I should be able to learn this language - to get around more easily.

So, I should speak Dutch. I should go to the gym more (which I haven't as much as before, due to serious exhaustion). I should take care of taxes. I should be more social and meet people. I should focus on weightloss. I should do laundry, clean the house, plan my meals, prepare the visit of a friend next week, do some administrative work, should get everything under control, should stop beating myself up, should....have to....must...should....

But I feel to weak to get anything under control these days - and I hate myself for that. For not being strong. for not taking charge of my life, my body, my everything.

I don't know how, but I managed to do 2 job interviews in the past 2 weeks, too. The first went well, and I was invited to a 2nd one - which went quite well, too. Now I am waiting for the verdict. And have been ever since Thursday. This job would safe me on so many levels. It would be a serious increase in salary and all the benefits one can dream of - also it's a small subsidiary of a big company, with only about 80 people  here in Amsterdam and the atmosphere was so lovely - the first interview I did with an attitude of not having anything to lose... but now I do. I kinda put all my hopes on the job now - cause it would solve a hell lotta problems at once - and I know I will be crushed if I don't get it now.

Which would make it even harder to try again.

I mean, how does one juggle everything in this life? Work, friends, gym, weightloss, stress, guys, and all the little things that I cannot even put a tag on. And I don't even have kids or a relationship! Would I even ever have the capacity to have kids, too?