makes sense....

well - I basically had quit blogging.

Only 4 posts since December. It seems like everything that has been going on lately has a starting point. And that was the new job I took back then, in December.

Ever since then things have been goin down. Instead of moving forward, I have been moving backwards - till everything broke down.

Skipping the details of the job and the people there, I can say that I have never felt less appreciated, worked in worse conditions with not a single friendly face one can look forward to in the morning.

It's about the worst place one can imagine. And it shattered my self-esteem. It broke me down to the core.

And it has taken it's toll - slowly I was moving towards a burn-out and didn't even realize it. A friend warned me a while back already - I did not want to realize it. Because I am supposed to function, I am supposed to work, I am supposed to be strong and suck it up.

Well, until I couldn't anymore - due to fortunate circumstances I was on 1 month sick-leave while being payed, and I started  a new job on 1st July.

And the month off surprised me with misery. And triggered back my eating disorder and depression - big time.

It all didn't happen overnight - things came slowly - creeping up on me, without me really realizing. Of course I also gained weight. I couldn't / cannot stop eating.

I keep trying to keep the control - but I fail. Almost every single day. And I am as much sad as surprised because looking back now I was handling things quite well, when the rest of my world was in order. When I liked my job back then, 2 years ago, when I had just started the gym, when I was constantly and slowly losing weight, had a stable environment.

Well, things change, and I am not fond of change.

I have been thinking about it - it it all makes sense. Someone - that is my boss - got to me. Really got to me - and I didn't know how to protect myself anymore. So I did what I know - how to keep people at a distance - build up a wall of fat - hide at home. Shut the world out. Eat to supress those unbearable feelings of being a failure.

I am not saying it's good, cause I thought I had learned how to handle things differently by now - but it does make sense. It's logical. Only that it does not solve anything.

I am up 10 pounds, my favorite pair of jeans doesn't fit anymore. Although I see the number on the scale it's hard to accept.

But - I don't give up. Never have, never will. I am picking myself up, dusting myself off and picking things up where I left them.

Wish me strength!