trust

I don't trust things. I don't trust people, I don't trust myself. I guess. To be more specific, I don't trust in things to stay people to be there, to stay, I don't trust in the good things.

And that is because everything I needed or wanted the most was systematically taken away from me, when I was little. Now I am not little anymore, and I could very well create my own experiences...

I don't even trust in my weightloss. Although it is a 100% percent in my hands, I don't trust it to stay, or go on. Because good things are not for me. And if they are, just very briefly, before they are taken away from me. Because I don't deserve them.

Feeling good about myself. Being taken care of. Lossing weight. LOVE. Being loved. Feeling attractive. Being attracted to. Sex. Fun. Attention. Money. Those things are not for me. I feel like I am left out of this circle - I can watch and long for things, but i can never be part of it.

That's how I feel. And if I am not left out, I create this in environment myself, which leads to misunderstandings.

Here's 2 examples. I was chatting with a friend about exactly this issue, when eventually I told him that i felt bad having this conversation all about me in the first place. That I was taking too much of his precious time and effort. And that I felt I was not worth being so time and energy consuming because I did not want him to become upset, or me feeling like an annoyance.

Funny thing was, he kinda got upset, and told me I should stop thinking for him and that he would tell me, id that were actually the case. Ha! Now that was interesting. Instead of avoiding that, or rather by trying to avoid that, I created exactly that, him being upset.... He actually wasnt really upset, but tricked me by telling me this, so I could figure it out myself. Smart guy, I can tell ya!

The other incident was in a bar on Friday. I was there with a girlsfriend who was approached by a guy - several guys actually. Whenever that happens (and it happens to her a lot) I just feel dispensable, superflous and that I should instantly disappear - so I leave. And left, and feel left alone.

Again, I created the opposite of what my original intention was. She also felt left alone, with the guy(s) because i let her standing there alone, with a random guy, when she'd rather had me there. Because she did not want to speak to the guy in the first place and all she actually wanted was a girls night out.

So - by preventing people letting me close, by not letting them be there for me, in order to avoid being an annoyance or a burdon - i just create the opposite. Without even realizing it. Until now that is.

Now how do i get into the circle - how do I learn that it's actually allowed to be there, to participate, to take part, to enjoy, to live and love and be loved?