I am home at my mum's place in Germany these days. I took another vacation to take her to the hospital - to take care of things, to support her because she was scared of the operation.
And I did all that. Moreover I drove my brother to the train station everyday, I cleaned the house, I went shopping, I cooked and cleaned every day.
And I also counselled a friend through her realtionship crisis everyday - adding up to my exhaustion she would call me at 2 in the middle of the night. And we would talk for at least an hour.
Today I have to drive a pretty long dinstance again to pick up my mum at the hospital, after I have prepared lunch of course and done some vacuuminng and more cleaning.
I ate too much the whole time, because whenever I am here it's almost impossible to keep up my new, healthy Amsterdam self. There is too much here, that reminds me where I come from. This atmosphere keeps dragging me back to my past and although I am no longer in contact with my father I notice some of his behavioural traits in my brother, whom I love dearly. But still.
All he ever does is reject me. He is incapable of listening to anything I say. He is complaining about everything all the time and according to him all people are idiots. Just like my father always thought and complained the.whole.day.down.....
I feel like I seek his attention - want to talk to him, spend time with him as I almost never see him, but all he ever does is being annoyed. Whatever I ask of him, he rejects me - like being around me is something completely unbearable.
I did not even realize how much I want his attention. And I took whatever I could get my hands on, positive or negative. Him treating me poorly I would prefere over him ignoring me.
Lovely. So everything I have been working on, like trying to believe that I am worthy of love and attention is destroyed right now. At least that's what I feel like.
My whole "taking-care-of-myself-business" is in pieces. Therefor I eat.
And loose myself completely - giving myself up for all others, my mum, my brother, my friend.
Will anyone ever take care of me?
Will at least I be able to take care of myself fully eventually?
Hey Jules,
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you really need some help and support. I have seen the power of other bloggers getting some online, so I thought I'd just comment and let you know you're not in it alone.
I understand very well how different locations cause completely different habits and patterns...something I fight with constantly as I move around with my job.
I can't pretend to know the answers. I certainly haven't found them for me yet.
Forgive me if I'm too bold, but it sounds like part of you likes doing all the work and support for other people. And that's no bad thing. Why not embrace it, and allow yourself to get a kick out of how much you helped others? Allow yourself to value you for doing it.
And always remember it doesn't have to mean you overeat and don't exercise. I know Amsterdam and Germany - and there is no inherent reason why you can't be healthy in Germany rather than Amsterdam (and probably a good few reasons you can be even healthier!)
Pass auf Dir auf!