what was the plan?

ok - still on vacation.

I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to go to the gym everyday, I wanted to write a post everyday. I wanted to take care of all stuff and tasks awaiting me.

What did I do so far? NOTHING. And  feel guilty about it. So guilty.

I am in a battle with my conscience - on the one hand, I truly believe I deserve a rest. But this other part of me (me? really?) yells at me what a lazy-ass I am - being unproductive, fat, lazy...

Well, my body - again - played me by getting sick as soon as my vacation started. for 5 days I had horrible back  and stomach pains. That's always what happened as soon as I get off work for a couple of days.

Maybe it is just my body telling me to actually rest. Or I am just rebelling agains all that stuff that needs to be done - these days the tasks I do I definately for myself, for my life, errands to be run for me - but it still feels like I am punished by these tasks - forced to them - like when I was a child.

Then, as soon as the summer vacation started, our parents would go insane. They hated the 3 of us being around for 6 long weeks - and the first day of my vacation I was woken up early and sent to the garden to do work in the hot sun all day.

I never had the right to just relax, enjoy life, do nothing. I was even worth less, when I did not do anything.

When other people for looking forward to their weekends, I was mortified by them. We were always woken up early and punished (for mere existing I must assume) by random tasks my father invented. And everything, of course had to be perfect.

Don't get me wrong - things and tasks need to be done - but it was never about that. My father took a hell lot of pleasure by afflicting us with made-up tasks. He would just sweep everything out of a closet - just because it was not perfectly neat in there.

He would force us to work in the garden with him. Once my siblings and me were forced to pile up wood to the wall of the garden house for a whole day - we  had to carry it around the house and keep piling things up while he was doing (or not doing) something important - observing and criticising every single move.

Well, in the end - the whole pile collapsed. All the work for nothing - and we were supposed to start all over again, make it perfect. By then I was so angry that I just refused to go on any longer because the day had been dreadful enough. He would threaten me with all kind of things and in the end I was grounded for weeks - because I left.

In another universe these things could have been fun, you know, working in a nice big garden with the whole family on the weekend - maybe end the day with a nice family dinner....

Not in our place. There was so much hatred and disgust, and punishment and yelling and insults. I will probably never understand why he hated me (espscially me, I am the oldest) so much.

I have been asking me for years and decades what is so wrong about me? What have I done to deserve to be treated like that? What crime have I committed to be constantly punished.

Maybe if I understood what is soo wrong with me, it would make it easier.

But there is just one answer: Nothing is wrong with me. I have not committed any crime. I did do anything wrong. I was a child and my father has issues, is seriously ill (narcissistic personality disorder).

And the only think I can do is be good to me, unlearn the things he taught me about self-worth. Still - again it feels like punishment that I have to clean-up (myself) after him. Now I am responsible to clean up the mess he left me in.

It's such a hard task.

The difference between me and him being, that I actually take it on, my responsibility! I want to take care of my issues - I want to grow to be happier, sane, healthy - and he never did.

He always blamed everyone for everyting. I used to blame him for years and years - but one can not grow when they are stuck with the feeling on hatred and revenge.

So I guess I need to forgive - to move on.

I am not sure if I believe it quite yet - but I am gonna say it ayways as a first step:

Dad, I forgive you! I do not believe you intentionally wanted to hurt me - you just did not know better. You did not know any other way. So I forgive you.

Ich vergebe dir.