Weightloss-blog? Facing the fear!

Originally I started blogging for weightloss matters. And I still do, to some extent.

But being on the road to lead a better life I have discovered so many things that need attention - that need to be addressed.

Now here is something that has been my issue for ages: MONEY!

I am smart - I am educated - and yet - I am an under-achiever when it comes to jobs and money.

I grew up learning and hearing over and over again, that I am not worth it. That I'm never gonna make it - that I will never achieve anything. That I will end up working at some assembly line. Well - it's not that bad - but it almost is. I am a bloody callcenter agent. It's a very technical job and requires some intelligence - but this is not what I studied for. Four years and a University degree for a callcenter job?

And just like yesterday's post - I have this imprint that I do not deserve things. When I treat myself to a coffee and a muffin, like yesterday, I feel more guilt than pleasure. I feel, like my parents would repeat over and over again, that this is not necessary - that it is wasted money. And to some extend, I believe that. I know that. Because it is tattooed into my brain.

It's wasted money - you don't NEED to go out. You don't need to go see a movie (and I very clearly remember a conversation about this with my mother... 'why don't you watch a movie on TV?') You can make coffee at home... you can always cook and eat at home. But where's the fun in that?

It makes me so sad. Because humans need that. They need to go out, they need to have fun - they need to socialize, go out and enjoy themselves, watch a movie, have a coffee, a muffin - whatever. I never fully enjoy these things, because I am always worried about my bank account - and feel guilty for buying these things in the first place.

So often I am so broke by the end of the month, that I need to borrow a couple of bucks, just to survive the last couple of days till payday. And that only fuels the guilt.

 - I feel guilty everytime I go to the normal supermarket, instaed of going to the crappy, cheap one
 - I feel guilty everytime I buy my lunch, instead of bringing something from home
 - I feel guilty every single time I go out and buy myself luch, dinner, a drink, a coffe, a muffin, whatever
 - I feel like I am drowning, when I even think about money - like I cannot breathe
 - I avoid every thought and taking care of everything related to money because I am so scared - in the end   procrastinating these things only brings up more fees and letters that I do not open
 - I do not check, or regulate myself, most of the times I do not know where the money goes - what I spend it on - because I cannot face it.

Now here is a story about money - my dear father is so greedy that he tricked his own mother to betray his children.

When my grandmother was still alive and well, she asked for his help with her testament. My father had all information on how to write a legal testament at hand, had all the books, information, and so on.

In Germany a valid testament needs to be handwritten and signed by the person who makes the will.
He knew that. Yet - he typed and printed it for her, and had her just sign it. Therefor it's invalid.

In that testament was stated, that each of her grandchildren would yet 5000 Euros after she had passed. My 2 cousins got it. My brother got parts of it for his car. I don't know about my sister.

Me, I never even KNEW about it. My mother did not tell me for a long time, which was good. She tried everything - spoke to lawyers, actually went to the courthouse where the testament is stored and asked for information. With that testament there is no way of getting me the money that was left for me from my dear grandmother.

What upsets me the most is not really the money that I did not get. But how can you betray your own mother who trusted you??? And your daughter, after all...

It makes me sooo angry. So sad. And brings up feelings of revenge. So much about forgiveness. I want him to suffer as much as he makes me suffer. Still. Everyday. I thought I could let that go. But apparently I cannot.

How can somebody actually do a thing like that? I there anything worse a person can do?

And what should I do about it? Should I just let it go, or should I try to hire a lawyer trying to get me my right / money? The testament does exist. And everything she wanted is stated in there. It's just not valid.

I am facing this demon now. I am facing my fear. I am all in tears - I just found out that I am in more trouble than I thought, because again, I have not opened letters.

But I took care of it right away. I faced my fear - I called the people. I will figure this out.

I will take care of myself. I will not let this get me down. I am entitled to leave a debt free life. I am entitled to enjoy my coffee and my muffin.

I deserve to not constantly suffer from a lack of money. I don't have to live in agony every single day, because of what I was brought up with.

I am allowed to have a sane realtionship with money. I am allowed to be secure even in that area. I am allowed to be free of debts and fear and sleepless nights.

I am allowed to take care of myself and these things. I am allowed to pay my debts

I am doing all that, (the procrastination - the creation of money issues - creating horror by avoidance) in order to hurt myself. Nobody is really hurting me anymore. Effectively. But I am so used to pain and suffering that I create this myself. I am putting this onto myself until the pressure gets so heavy that I cannot breath anymore. And I guess we've reached that point again. The point of pure fear - fear of the unknown. What's gonna happen to me now?

But I am facing the fear - facing the monster.