That is not really what I want to write about though. I don't even know where to start - it's such a long story.
In my last post I was speaking about my *BARRIER* - that number I cannot seem to get under. After 4 months of going up and down a couple of pounds, I figured it was time to change the strategy. So instead of focussing on the numbers, the weight, I began to look at what is behind not letting myself go lower in weight.
It's been a week-long process, but I'm trying to sum it up a little. First of all, I stopped going to the scale, because whenever I was close to my BARRIER - I kinda freaked and put some weight back on. So right now, I don't even know, whether I passed it, or not. Turns out - it's not even that important. At least right now it is not.
What this BARRIER is closely connected to, is opening myself for self-love and ultimately love - again. Back then, in 2002 something must have happened. I was so in love with that guy, and so crushed when it was over. Even though I was madly in love with him, he was never good for me - I was a rejection junkie, (still am sometimes these days) and I was emotionally depending on him and he was too self-absorbed to actually understand or even listen to me.
Long story short - after we split up I was broken - and learned, once again, that I was not worthy of love.
How wrong I was. Everybody is. Worhty of love. I thought I wasn't - because this is what I learned from a very young age on.
So the stategy was, that I have to learn to love myself - probably everybody has heard how one can only truly find love, when you love yourself. Expecting or wanting love from the outside, wanting to fill the emtiness inside will not happen, if you do not love and except yourself for who you are.
Initially, when I started working on my self-love issue, I did not draw the connection to the weightloss-BARRIER. Although it is so obvious to me now, it took me forever to realize who these matters are so closely connected. The BARRIER is absolutely a metaphor for letting love back into my life. Because for me the number is closely related to the guy, and the guy to love - so in order to pass it, I need to accept love in my life - may it be selflove or love from others. I have to unlearn, that I am not worthy of it. Or putting it positively - I need to accept that I am worthy of love, that I am worth taking care of, that I have the right to treat myself and be treated lovingly!
This is hard to learn and to accept, when nobody ever taught you anything like that.
So now I am practicing beeing good to me - going to the sauna, taking a bubble bath, take care of myself. Doing affirmations, reading about it.... It's hard at times, but it's so worth it.
The other day at work, my boss came up to me and changed my working schedule for the rest of the week - and I thought *no* - I have planned my week according to the oririnal schedule, and just because you people cannot seem to manage things properly, I don't have to change all MY plans.
Ususally I would have just accepted something like this quitely - being angry about it or even binge over it and do whatever they expect me to do.
This time I did not. I went to my boss, who sent me to his manager who I simply told him *NO* - it's on too short notice, I can't! And in the end I could stay on my original schedule. I took myself first, got what I wanted and was sooo proud of myself. Turns out that my direct supervisors got into trouble, because I had opened my mouth - so the people who messed things up had to take their resposibility rather than me! Good!
There were a couple of other incidents like that - one guy who came up to talk to me early in the morning, when clearly my body language said *leave me alone* I just said that I was not in the mood for talking yet! And he left me alone! And I did not waste my time or energy on someone who I don't care about!!
Well, this whole practice of self love cultimated in a fabulous Friday night and an amazing epiphany I had today - that I will post about tomorrow! ;-)
For the next to weeks I want to write one post everyday - as I have the time now!
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