The BARRIER

Ever since around April I have not been losing much weight anymore. I stopped blogging for a while, I got really sick and could not work out. Was off the eating-plan.....

I have been dancing around this certain number for about 4 months now - and I cannot seem to get UNDER it - don't get me wrong, it's not far away - once upon a time it was just 300 grams away. That is less than one pound. Last week I was really close again, only 500 grams away. 

But whenever I come close, something goes off in my head, LIKE I CANNOT GET UNDER THERE. When I weighed in on Wednesday, and realized I was really close, I was happy at first and then got in such a bad mood which ultimately ended in a binge by Friday night. 

This certain number, that I really cannot get under, is the lowest weight I had back then, in 2002 when I was together with the only boyfriend I was ever really in love with. It's been ages since then. And I don't think about him anymore. But I was heartbroken for a veeery long time after we split up. It hurt so much for so long. It destroyed something in me. 

I think what this means to me, is that - once I have crossed that line, I would have to open myself up for new relationships. My weight has been a nice barrier to keep myself from getting close to anybody - and I want to do that again. At the same time it scares the hell outta me, 

So, I don't need to get OVER a guy, I need to get UNDER him. And I just can't. This morning I weighed myself and gained another kilo. I simply ate too much - lengthening the distance to the line... 

I am a bit helpless - I think I've tried every approach I can think of. Once I feel I am close, it must scare me so much, that I go back and binge. My subconcious really does not want to let go, it seems. 

I am really helpless at this point. 

I have been working out a lot. I went to another pump-class yesterday. I just want to cross that line and move  on, but it just won't work.