Except hiding in my room actually. Because this month I have a strange roommate, a colleague of my actual roomate, who resides in another country these days.
Not only do I live with a stranger now, this weekend his wife is also visiting. So I live with 2 strangers. And I feel uncomfortable, like I am the intruder in my own home.
Also I need to go back to my bloody job on Monday, after 2 weeks of vacation.
I forced myself to go outside and do some grocery shopping and I hated the fact that I even had to do it. I even tried my favourite street market for a bit - but it was too much to bare. Too many people. I kept my look to the ground. I simply cannot face the world today. I thought.
Strangely enough, returning home now, my spirits have been lifted a bit. Maybe it was this tiny instant - when I met my neighbor in front of the door - and actually had a brief conversation with him - in DUTCH! A language I understand, very well by now, which is not all that hard for a German, but I am too scared and insecure to speak.
Well, we had something like a little conversation. A tiny, tiny success. But it lifted my spirits.
Maybe I can keep that up for a bit, and do something nice instead of hanging around, being unhappy and eating too much...
On another note: why is it so hard to say what you want? Or why is it for me so hard to say what I WANT?
Most of the times I don't even know what I want, because demanding or wanting something, is something that was absolutely forbidden in my house... even when needing stuff for school my father would get upset - we were not supposed to have needs or desires. His favourite 2 sentences on that matter were:
1. "Close your eyes, and then you can see everything that belongs to you."
2. He would say, literally translated, and excuse the language, that I had "too much sugar blown up my ass already" - what exactly that sugar was? I have no idea.
Well, as I am working on forgivness these days I must say this. He did grow up with nothing. He was born in the last year of the war in Germany and literally had nothing and could never ask for anything. But how is it fair to forward this to the next generation, when it was absolutely not necessary. We had anough money. More than enough. Still I grew up feeling greedy when I needed money for a new school book.
So to this day, saying what I want is so hard. Even when I jsut want to order food or drinks in a restaurant or bar, I feel so uncomfortable. When I wantch other people take time to order, ask questions, make sure the waiter gets the order right, I just try to be as quick, polite, and .... as possible, in order to be convenient for who ever has to serve me. I don't want to annoy them. Just want to make THEIR job easy, instead of taking care of MYSELF.
I even put a random waiter or sales person first. Before me. Not taking care of my needs.
What's wrong with this picture?
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