I am so empty. Well, my stomach for sure isn't - but I am.

It seems whenever I go home to where I grew up, I seriously have to fight my way back to my real, new self. It's hard to explain, but there everything is sucking me back to what I have spent years on to overcome.

The negativity, the judgment, people looking at me and checking me out. This time I even got a coupel of compliments on how great  looked and how much weight I have lost... bla bla bla....

Is this all people look at? Is that all they do? Judge? The whole bloody day?

I did not even really hear the compliments, I just saw them looking at checking and judging. Nobody actually asked HOW I FELT? Noooo.... it's just what you look like, THAT is what counts....

Now my week of vacation was accompanied by worry about my mum and her heart surgery (which went fine and she is well) - by taking care of my brother and the house, by playing secretary for my mum and giving out phone numbers and informtion to all her friends, my siblings, arranging and organizing things, shopping, cleaning....

At the same time I would of course always be there for my friend with the boyfriend issue. I listened, I advised, I let her call me at 2 at night. I did everything.

One comment suggested, that I might get something out of all this care taking. And I thought about that a lot. And I used to. I used to get a kick out of it. That was the only thing that made me worth something, because I did the work, I helped, someone could benefit from me. That was the only justification for my existence. But I do not want to do that anymore. I want to be loved and accepted for who I am, not for what I do. Still. I did. Fell back to the old pattern.

Then, I came back yesterday - and today I was not asked but somehow ordered to help my boyfriend-issue-friend move. I tried to butt out by saying that I wasn't feeling fine, but she is so demanding, that all she would answer is 'I could really need your help!' So, of course I helped.

And, funny enough, my helping her was payed with a pizza! Great. Of course I could have oredered a salad. Or eaten half a pizza. But I didn't. Even though I worked my ass off the last couple of days I feel I need to be punished. I cannot even describe it. Instead of hearing my mum saying thank you to me, all I could think of was that I did not finish the ironing. Even though I helped 4 hours moving today, I feel guilty cause I was the first to leave.

Ususally my posts end up with some kind of structure. At least in my head they do. Now I dont even know what I am saying really.

I got lost along the way. I am fighting so hard to take care of me - and I succeed sometimes. Right now I feel I am back where I started. Exhausted, depressed, lonely, miserable, weak. And I can't bear it. And I can't seem to find the energy to fight back, to pick myself up, to dust myself off. I just can't.

What what option do I have? Stay in this state forever? No way. I have to

-pick myself up
-dust myself off
-get back on track
-fight my way back...

On another note - what I did achieve this past week, was getting into my bathing suit again. After 3 years I found the guts to go to a pool, or spa rather. I hung out in a warm outdoor saltwater whirlpool in the sun.

I went early in the morning, on a weekday so there were only a few rather old people. And could actually realx... I did not feel great running around in almost noting, but I was not as mortified as I was before.

And the funniest thing happened on a train. When I entered I just sat down in a seat. At some point I wanted to grab my bag from the seat next tome me and it got entangled at the armrest. Only then I noticed the actual existence of that armrest! I used to be mortified of those, because I could not fit in those seats before. And I remember my seat neighbours looking annoyed at times, because parts of me would not stay on my side of the armrest. I did not even notice them this time. I perfectly fit the seat!!!