I cannot seem to get a handle on myself. i am depressed. Sick again. for about 6 weeks I've had a cold, an infection, a cough, the snuffles, fever... everything alternating. Whenever I thought I was feeling better it came right back.
I wanted to go to my beloved Zumba class again today - but ever since I went out on Friday and got drunk I have a cold. And it wasn't even worth it. Basically I stayed the whole night as a wingwoman for my friend who asked me to stay...
Hungover as i was yesterday I took that as an excuse to eat far too much and pretty unhealthy stuff. It did not make me feel better...(duh!)... Funny how I still think junk food will make me feel better. It numbs the pain for a while, but then it gets right beack at ya. I felt full, did not sleep well, bad concience bites you in the ass.
When in the bar on Friday I was chatting to some colleagues and the topic of stolen food from the office fridge came up. My salad and a couple of other items had been stolen from the fridge on hour floor which I find very disturbing. Come on people - who steals food from your colleagues??
So of course people were discussing who would do something like that. This one colleague suggested that is was probably this one morbidly obese guy who is working for us. Then he called him names and accused him of eating all day and that he should not let himself go like that and that he should get a handle of things and how he is disgusting and fat. He even went on how he smells bad because he probably has a hard time cleaning himself between the layers of fat...
Well the guy is big - definately morbidly obese - walking just a couple of steps is hard on the guy. But the way my colleague talked about him just hit my spot - I got so angry. When I look at that obese guy I can see his pain, I can see how he is the funny smart guy who tries so hard to deflect from the obvious. I know how it works.... I can see how he has to numb the pain with food. And it's so hard to hear what people say about him. And I know how he can sense what people think and say about him and it hurts me. I know how that makes things only worse.
The mean colleague sugegsted the guy should just stop eating all day - and get a handle of himself. *JUST STOP EATING????* As if that were so easy - I tried to make him understand how that is not JUST possible like that. Of course at the end of the day, that is what it needs to come down to - eat less - but it's NOT THAT EASY. But there is no way, that somebody who has never been in a position like that would understand - and that makes me sad. That's what most people think. Just don't eat so much.
I experienced first hand what people say and think - and it was not even about me. The colleague was actually quite surprised how offended I got. When I tried to make him understand telling him that I had lost 55 pouns so far he just took it as prrof what what he suggested - just lose the weight....
It's so hard to make people understand - and I wonder why I even try.
I am so tired of fighting just now. It's such a struggle each and every day. Some days are good. Then the depression comes back. So I am not only fighting the weight - but also the depression. Those two are obviously intertwined.
I am just so tired. The good news is - I just went to the scale - for the first time in ages. I knew I had gained weight and was kinda prepared for a massive gain. Surprisingly all I gained are 3 lbs - 1.4 kilo - compared to my lowest weight. I seriously thought it was more. Strange. But good. Really good actually. Something I can actually live with. And a point from where I can pick it off - carry on. I have to. I want to.
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