how do I learn that?

I was gonna post the second part of the party last Wednesday. But it does not seem to matter all that much right now.

I had a crazy week - last week. I prepared for a job interview the beginning of the week - had the interview on Wednesday, the party on Wednesday evening. Worked the rest of the week, including Saturday and went out 3 nights in a row - Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Saturday I was so tired and hungover at work, I could barely concentrate. And still went to the gym to sweat out all the beer.

Then I basically slept all through yesterday - the only thing I managed to do, was proof-read the text for my trainers website.

Lately we have been in contact almost every day, for some reason. For appointment-making, website-talk, fotos for the website, his party... training, after all. 

And when I don't see or hear from him one day, I miss him. After all, he is just my trainer, is he? I dunno. I don't know anything. It's driving me crazy. I want this to go away - but I have training in about an hour and a half.

And I am not in a good place. I am sad - and frustrated because I realized something really crucial - I am not open to love, I never have the feeling to be good enough to be in a relationship, I always think I am not sufficient or have to behave or be a certain way, in order to be even acceptable. Also I have this great fear of abandonment, I am so scared to be left alone, dropped like a hot potato - left alone. Especially by men. Actually only by men.

I have no trouble having long-term friendships with women. It;s just men. And of course I know where it comes from (thank you dady!) but I can't seem to pinpoint at which point my dear father actually quit loving and started hating me.

It might have been after my sister was born - when he seemed to look at the second child as a second chance, of making thing rights, or more of a *maybe this one's better-attitude*.

The bottom line is: I was not worth it, ever. No matter how clean my room was, no matter how good my grades were, no matter what I did, how much I cleaned or behaved - there was no way of being accepted.

How can I learn to be just good enough now? I don't know. How can I be open, and let someone in, if I always feel like I am not right, not sufficient, not good enough?

Funny thing is, I am creating these situations over and over again - in my head. I strongly believe my roommate is upset with me, because I didn't clean the bathroom (and mostly she just doesn't care). I have a bad concience, when I leave stuff lying around - waiting for someone to yell at me - and nobody does - so I do it myself, quietly, in my head, telling myself how unacceptable I am.

How do I learn, that I am a lovable person and good enough? Conciously I know that - but I don't feel it.