I hate to admid things. But I ate crap the last 2 nights in a row. I went for burgers with a colleague yesterday, after work, and when I came home I even made myself some pasta. As if the burgers had not been enough.

I feel bad, guilty - I don't like myself these days at all, and that's the reason why I am doing this in the first place.

A while ago I made a commitment to myself to really treat me well, to take care of myself in all aspects of life. These days, I am hurting myself with food - and not only with food.

This negative voice in my head is soo loud - criticizng EVERY little thing - ALL DAY. I can't seem to be nice to me at all. I was considering not going to work, because I felt like they don't want to see me there, that they are fed up with me - when in fact people are asking what is wrong with me and why I am so quite at the moment.

I remembered last night, that on that party last week, somebody asked myself why I did not have a boyfriend?? What? I thought it was offensive at first, but then I realized that he was actually wondering why I didn't - because obviously he thought there was no reason for me not to have a relationship...

I think I know all the reasons - but why is my own perception so negative when for others there seems to be no obstacle... do you even get what I am saying?

I believe I am not worth it, I have the strong feeling that there is no reason to like me or even love me remotely because I am just not lovable. That's my pattern. That's what I've learned. And sometimes what I experience does not match with what I thought is real, in my head.

Another one of these cognitive dissonances. My believesystem does not match reality/experience.

These days it seems I am really trying to hang on to what was true. Me - boyfriend/love/relationship? Never gonna happen. Me - working hard enough, being good enough, thin enough, smart enough - haha - never.

Why is this voice sooo strong? I don't want to keep hating myself this much!

Maybe I am trying to create comfort for myself by hanging on to what I know? Maybe it's easier to stick to my *reality* than actually incoorporating new ideas (like I am actually loveable?)?

All I know is that I am angry, frustrated and torn between getting upset and wanting to cry all day. And I want this to go away and be nice to myself again. But I can't seem to find a way right now...