This has been a crazy week - I've been so busy and I am exhausted. Thursday I had a breakfast meeting with the big boss and was very nervous about it. It went well - but I was tense all day. As it was before my shift started I worked 10 full hours and went to the gym after that. Pfff....
As for last weeks goals:
- 4 days of gym - could only manage 3 due to exhaustion but it's good enough for me
- count / estimate calories for 2 days - NO - I have decided that I won't do that - it freaks me out and get's me obsessed with numbers. I don't need to count calories to know a carrot has less calories than a burger...
- go below 115 kg = which means losing 2.6 lbs or 1.2 kg - YESS - I lost 3 pounds this week - I am amazed and really happy about it! Here's an update on numbers:
starting weight: 132 kg - 291 lbs
current weight: 114,7 kg - 252.8 lbs
total loss: 17,3 kg - 38.1 lbs
- try on my bathing suit (as a preparation to actually go swimming) - will do this weekend - if I find it...
GOALS FOR WEEK III
To be honest, I don't know. I am a little upset with myself because I originally planned on posting updates every Thursday - well today is Saturday. So I broke my commitment. And I dit not fulfill all the goals I wanted to. But if there's something I learned in this journey is that you have to adjust the goals along the way and re-evalue where you're heading. So I am only posting this today... so what? I am still doing it - I had a great loss this week and you know what? It completely f*cked me over. I was really happy about my weigh-in on Thursday - but by the end of the day I was ... I still don't know what I felt - and it has not gone away until now.
When I went to the gym Thursday night there was a gorgeous guy at the counter, smiled at me - greeted me by my name and even called after me to hand me some flyers about upcoming events in my gym (Mel B from the Spice Girls in coming to my gym... how exciting...bla). He was really nice.
Then while spending an hour on the cross-trainer the guy next to me stared at me the whole time. It drove me crazy. I was in such a bad mood - that when my gorgeous trainer came by and said 'hi', I could barely smile at him. Then I felt bad about that. I have been obsessing about that guy too much.
Then last night I forced myself to go out with some colleagues - just like every Friday and felt so bad about myself. Like I used to. I just felt fat and ugly and like I don't belong there, or anywhere. I saw people having fun, couples kissing, people dancing and I just had this huge sad feeling of never being a part of all that.
Which I know is bullshit. I know it's just my perception of things last night. I rarely ever feel like that anymore.
I have been thinking about this like crazy - and my analysis for now is, that I am out of my comfort zone. My believes about men and relationships and me being a loveable person or even a person of interest were carved in stone. And now they are falling apart. Don't get me wrong, it's good that I notice some male attention. It's good how I feel more of a person that is taking part in all areas of life - I am just too overwhelmed by it. I don't know how to handle attention from guys that I am not interested in. I hate it! It makes me so uncomfortable. It's like a contradiction in your brain - when you think you know you will never be interesting to any guy and then you get attention. Just for being yourself. That means there's gotta be something right about yourself - when all your life you were so sure you're just wrong. In any area.
I think I have told this story before in this blog - how my dear father didn't care whether I had to go home alone after some party because *nobody is gonna touch her anyways*. Ever since that day this sentence was engraved in my brain. Nobody was gonna touch me anyways. Whatever.
Due to this believe I had some (few) encounters with men - that I just went for in order to have just something / some experience. Rather take this guy than nobody - because *nobody is gonna touch me anyways*.
Now what - it's not true anymore - my whole system of believes is messed up. And this is the point were I am hating my weightloss and the related changes for a minute because it means I have to basically re-evaluate my whole damn life. What I believe - what I thought was true. I know it's gonna be better, and easier, and happier. But all I wanna do now is go back and be safe. Bacause being fat and lonely on the couch with a bag of patato chips is not only unhealthy - it also is SAFE. Nobody can really hurt you or approach you there. It's lonely and sad but it's SAFE for Christ's sake!
So I feel my life is not a safe place at the moment - it's all shaken up. The ground, the foundation of believes is shaking. Nothing seems to make any sense anymore. Who the hell am I?
Not even my clothes are fitting me any longer - there are all too big and fall off my ass - and I don't like any of it anymore.
Just for now - I HATE THIS!!!
And about the goals - I don't know. I don't know anything right now. Who would have thought that losing weight has it's downsides. Who would have thought that having a great loss makes one so sad.
So here is my ONE goal for this week:
- re-evaluate my believes and find some good goals for next week!!
And fo the little something you did not yet know about me - I guess this post should be sufficient!
To be honest, I don't know. I am a little upset with myself because I originally planned on posting updates every Thursday - well today is Saturday. So I broke my commitment. And I dit not fulfill all the goals I wanted to. But if there's something I learned in this journey is that you have to adjust the goals along the way and re-evalue where you're heading. So I am only posting this today... so what? I am still doing it - I had a great loss this week and you know what? It completely f*cked me over. I was really happy about my weigh-in on Thursday - but by the end of the day I was ... I still don't know what I felt - and it has not gone away until now.
When I went to the gym Thursday night there was a gorgeous guy at the counter, smiled at me - greeted me by my name and even called after me to hand me some flyers about upcoming events in my gym (Mel B from the Spice Girls in coming to my gym... how exciting...bla). He was really nice.
Then while spending an hour on the cross-trainer the guy next to me stared at me the whole time. It drove me crazy. I was in such a bad mood - that when my gorgeous trainer came by and said 'hi', I could barely smile at him. Then I felt bad about that. I have been obsessing about that guy too much.
Then last night I forced myself to go out with some colleagues - just like every Friday and felt so bad about myself. Like I used to. I just felt fat and ugly and like I don't belong there, or anywhere. I saw people having fun, couples kissing, people dancing and I just had this huge sad feeling of never being a part of all that.
Which I know is bullshit. I know it's just my perception of things last night. I rarely ever feel like that anymore.
I have been thinking about this like crazy - and my analysis for now is, that I am out of my comfort zone. My believes about men and relationships and me being a loveable person or even a person of interest were carved in stone. And now they are falling apart. Don't get me wrong, it's good that I notice some male attention. It's good how I feel more of a person that is taking part in all areas of life - I am just too overwhelmed by it. I don't know how to handle attention from guys that I am not interested in. I hate it! It makes me so uncomfortable. It's like a contradiction in your brain - when you think you know you will never be interesting to any guy and then you get attention. Just for being yourself. That means there's gotta be something right about yourself - when all your life you were so sure you're just wrong. In any area.
I think I have told this story before in this blog - how my dear father didn't care whether I had to go home alone after some party because *nobody is gonna touch her anyways*. Ever since that day this sentence was engraved in my brain. Nobody was gonna touch me anyways. Whatever.
Due to this believe I had some (few) encounters with men - that I just went for in order to have just something / some experience. Rather take this guy than nobody - because *nobody is gonna touch me anyways*.
Now what - it's not true anymore - my whole system of believes is messed up. And this is the point were I am hating my weightloss and the related changes for a minute because it means I have to basically re-evaluate my whole damn life. What I believe - what I thought was true. I know it's gonna be better, and easier, and happier. But all I wanna do now is go back and be safe. Bacause being fat and lonely on the couch with a bag of patato chips is not only unhealthy - it also is SAFE. Nobody can really hurt you or approach you there. It's lonely and sad but it's SAFE for Christ's sake!
So I feel my life is not a safe place at the moment - it's all shaken up. The ground, the foundation of believes is shaking. Nothing seems to make any sense anymore. Who the hell am I?
Not even my clothes are fitting me any longer - there are all too big and fall off my ass - and I don't like any of it anymore.
Just for now - I HATE THIS!!!
And about the goals - I don't know. I don't know anything right now. Who would have thought that losing weight has it's downsides. Who would have thought that having a great loss makes one so sad.
So here is my ONE goal for this week:
- re-evaluate my believes and find some good goals for next week!!
And fo the little something you did not yet know about me - I guess this post should be sufficient!
I think you bring up a great point - our goals and our plans don't need to be set in stone. We need to be able to re-evaluate as necessary in order to keep moving forward.
ReplyDeleteI think you did pretty darn well this week. Keep it up!
There usually comes a point where you feel awkward and unattractive (at least I have felt that in the past) in the weight loss journey. Clothes not fitting doesn't help. Why not buy a few basic pieces that DO fit to help you feel better? Please don't stop though; the end result will be totally worth it!
ReplyDeleteI also recently came to the realization that part of being heavy for me is a very safe unreachable place where I kind of feel good about being somewhat invisible because people don't really engage you when your really heavy. I had to sit down and make a plan for myself. I planned what to do and say when people do notice me. Sounds weird right? I actually scripted some scenarios in my head so if someone was acknowledging me I would know what to do about it. I think that any time you don't do what you know is best for you, in this case losing weight, there is a fear. So, you have figured out that you are afraid of, the attention from men, which is an awesome first step, now make a plan for what you might say and do in this situation and you can feel empowered instead of fearful. Hope my trick works for you. My parent's were full of inappropriate comments towards me too, and I am in a place where I don't want their issues to hold me back any more. Good Luck!
ReplyDelete