The fact of the matter is, I have not lost anything this past week. But I haven't gained anything either. So I keep telling myself it's not so bad.
And as I did not feel too comfortable after a great loss last week, it even makes sense to have a week to adjust to a smaller body. I still feel bad about not losing.
Also my commitment was to post on Thursdays - guess what? It's Sunday today.
It doesn't really matter - nobody cares. But it matters to me, because I broke my commitment.
The only goal from last week was finding some adjusted goals for this week and thinking about my state of mind. Re-evaluate my beliefs:
So here comes the UPDATE:
As for the random fact about myself, I choose something of substance which has been a big part of my sadness lately. I have not had partner or spouse or anything of that kind for quite some time now. Not even a fling, an affair or antything alike. I am frustrated and lonely at times and wonder what the hell is wrong with me (apart from the weight). Then I think that it might not only be about my weight as other overweight people have relationships as well.
I used to tell myself that I am fine by myself and don't even want a relationship because I want to do what and when I want to do it and not having to agree on compromises. But those were just excuses for myself. Because that way I did not have to confront the fact of being lonely.
I do have great and close friends that I can talk to about anything. Unfortunately it's not the same. I want someone to come home to, do share my life with, to hug and to cuddle and to argue with.... well, who doesn't... For me admitting this is a big step. And it's hard. I feel completely exposed.
Maybe that's why I am having troubles these days. I am exposing myself layer by layer - not only on the outside but also getting things off my soul that have been nagging on me my whole life. I am putting them out there, sharing them and therefor freeing myself from them. Do I make any sense?
Since I have started this exposing I am so vulnerable and confused as my whole security system is no longer funcioning. Instead of hiding I am out there confronting the world, pushing myself to do things and deal with them. I am good on some days, on others I am even scared to enter the gym for example, because I still don't feel that I belong there, like people are mocking me when in fact they are nice (or don't give an shit...) I get nice and friendly feedback all of the time and because I am not used to it, I get confused.
How does one accept good when their whole life everything felt bad?
I am amazed what this weight-loss journey does to me on a psychological level.
It's not only about numbers, calories, weigh-ins and recepies. Who would have anticipated that?
As for the next weeks plans:
- keep on adjusting to this new life and learn to accept positivity
- keep on going to the gym and telling myself I have every right to be there, just as much as the guys with the big muscles and the skinny girls with the pretty outfits...
- go to one class at the gym, something I have been scared of and avoiding so far (as a friend just signed up at my gym I fortunately have someone to do that with me, which makes it easier)
- dropping out of the regular Friday-after-work-beer-drinking-routine - which I enjoy but which also messes up my Saturdays...(at least for one week) -> no beer this week.
This should be enough for now.
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