overflowing and has anyone seen Julia lately?

I really don't recognize myself anymore these days:

I don't go to the gym, I am too scared. I dont talk to people, because I am convinced everybody hates me. I don't go to after work-drinks because everybody hates me and i feel too insecure. I don't lose weight, I just gain little by litte and am too weak to actually change.
I'm just depressed, hiding in my bed, in front of the tv with loads of junk food and get more depressed doing so. I don't do much in general, because I dont have the energy and am a bit sociophobic. I rather stay home than doing stuff with friends because I am scared of the unknown, what if i have to walk all the time and cannot keep up? What if the chairs are too small where we go or the stairs are to high?

Funny thing is, I am not like that at all anymore.

I am overflowing with energy and motivation. I am on a run. The run is me.

I really don't understand what is going on, I don't know how to get it all out into writing.

What is going on? I was crying on my way home from work because I am so happy.

I don't know where to start.

I didn't go to the gym today, (I went yesterday) but I walked home, its a 45 minute walk and I enjoyed every single step of it. And I could have walked for ages. And ages and ages.

The cutest guy approached me on that walk, asking for (only) directions (unfortunately) - such things NEVER happen(ed) to me.

I had a talk with my manager yesterday about my development in the company. I approached him - I went for it. I made the step. I took it into my own hands.

Today I also REQUESTED a talk with my supervisor. I didn't beg her like I would have usually, I didn't say somthing like 'I wanted it ask you whether it would be possible....' NO - I said 'I would like to have a feedback conversation with you, when will you have time for me!' That's what I said! I requested, because I deserve things, I will no longer beg for anything. Because I am worth it.

This is really the freedom I have been longing for all my life, I instinctively knew it would come one day, I knew it was in me, and now its here - I can do it. I am that person.

No longer am I little, dependend and scared - I make the calls now. I decide about my life.

I am coming to realize what I have been fighting for all these years. And it's so worth it.

It's really a bit like I am blossoming right now, I experience so many good things that I never thought I'd deserve, I would be capable of.

And all the FEAR is gone all of a sudden. My mom's friend told me last weekend, that I am the only one in the family who is not scared of my dad (another story) and I realized how right she is. I am not scared anymore. I don't have to be. All this random, ever-present fear is gone.

Getting off my anti-depressant-meds seems to have been the right decision. For the first time in my life it seems I am experiencing true feelings, because neither am I depressed anymore nor do I take mind-altering substances anymore. Everything is real.

It took me more than 10 years to get this far, countless hours of therapy, a lot of eating, suffering, crying, frustration pain and tears - but I've come to realize now that all the fighting and biting was worth it! And losing the weight is just one part of it.

To anybody who reads this - take some of my energy and do something positive with it!