Outch!

This sucks! This sucks so bad!
I still don't know what happened. And why. I had a terrible binge last night. For the first time in ages. I just lost control completely.

I'm sure there is some trigger for it. But I am too exhausted to think about it, to figure it out. I just can't at this point and I don't want to. (Maybe not the right decision)

So here is what happened: I left work with the gym-bag with me, actually on the way to the gym when some colleagues convinced me to rather have a drink in our 'after-work-bar'.

*wrong decision* - I could not relax at all, had 2 beers, then someone ordered some junk-food and I had a bit to try which set it off. I left the bar, went food-shopping after that and couldn't prepare my hellish food fast enough. And I couldn't stop. My head turned off somehow, I ate and watched TV, like I used to in my past. I shut off completely it seems. Just distraction and suppression.

Until I 'woke-up' feeling so full that it hurt. Considering to purge. (which I didn't - and never did before)

I didn't know what to do - I wanted to do something to make me feel better, but I couldn't. I just waited on the couch until I felt a little better, and then went to bed. And woke up with this memory of last night's failure.

I am shocked. I almost forgot about how bad I used to be. This was a reminder. I feel terrible about it. I feel like I gained back all weight in one night (which is unlikely fortunaltely).

Maybe the last weeks were just to heavy on me. I am trying to be smart about getting promoted, I have an appointment with my manager next Monday. I can't get my mind off work ever, I dream about it at night, I think about it all day, I get really stressed if I don't get everything perfectly right. I got of my anti-depressants a week ago today and suffer heavily from the so called 'SSRI-discontinuation-syndrom'.
I was rarely at home at all, went out too often, met so many new people the last weeks, I am trying to go to the gym, eat healthy, take care of everything, from finances to social life, to eating right, to just be perfect in every area. Maybe it's too much. My plan today was, to go to work early and catch-up, be good, because I want a promotion. Also I have to pack because I am going on another trip tomorrow. I am looking forward to it, but it's also will be really busy. I cannot seem to relax at all at the moment.

I guess there's enough reason for last night's experience. And fortunately I know that I am not going back to this bad behaviour all together. I slipped. And maybe every now and then I will. I has been ages that this happened and it will be ages till the next time. I am trying to put up a positive attitude now. Take it as a reminder of how far I've come. And not let this mess up my day. It's ok.

I will be fine. I will get through this like I have gotten through so many other things. I will manage. But it still sucks.