More to say today

I guess I have to post again. I have more to say on this beautiful morning.
Basically I herewith declare the worst days of my withdrawal over. I am getting off my anti-depressants at the moment and have been going through some rough shit the last week with all the withdrawal symptoms.

Yesterday night before going to bed I had a little conversation with my body and we agreed to become friends now. I will take better care of it from now on, and it will be good to me as well. That's the deal!

So I induldged in some nice-smelling lotion and will try to look at myself in a more loving way. Also I will start learning to let people close to me. I will try to learn that I am not disgusting, ugly, fat (...) but worthy of being loved. I have a hard time letting anyone physically close. I can't even sleep in the same room with people. When I got massages in the past for medical reasons, it drove me crazy to even expose my back to a doctor or physical therapist. It made me very tense instead of being relaxing.

So the plan is to go very small steps. Maybe getting a manicure, then a pedicure - just little things where I let somebody else touch me, and be it only my fingertips in the beginning. That's the plan.

Also the weekend is good for something I call 'headrest' - where I don't have to think or concentrate and thoughts just pop up in my head because they can and I have the time for them. So yesterday I realized that I am doing quite well actually. When I remember what I my plans were for the future in my teenage days, it was actually what I have now. I wanted to speak languages, see places, live in other countries.

So here I am - living in Amsterdam, my favourite city ever, with an amazing Italian flatmate, working in German with the company-language being English and working on my Dutch at least when doing shopping.
All I ever wanted really.

I think every now and then we should stop and realize where we are and what we have achieved, because it get's lost in the busy days.

So instead of complaining about what I don't have, what I haven't achieved yet, what I am lacking (...) I will be happy about my life today! Here are some of the good things:

- I lost weight - and I am still losing
- I live in my favourite place with a great person
- I am taking care of myself and my finances and have learned to face the difficult stuff instead of avoiding it!
- I have great friends and a loving family
- I like my job
- .... more to come.......

I guess I will do this more often. Emphasize the good things, not the bad!