Postponing

So I have been postponing everything. I found myself excusing my not-being-on-track by other stress. New job, new country, new home, new people, too many errands to run, having visitors and so on and so forth.

I have not binged a lot -but I have. And from time to time I can't help it. This voice in my head seems to be too strong sometimes to beat. I feel like it's the only thing I can do. Somehow it even seems involuntary. Like something takes over my concious mind - my subconcious mybe, who is just so used to handling things 'the old way'.

But even when I eat on schedule, on a regular basis, my food choices haven't been the best. Also I didn't have a proper scale the last couple weeks, so I told myself, as long as I don't have a digital scale, it just doesn't matter.

Now I have one, and I am too scare to go on it - afraid of the results. What if I gained weigth? I am too scared.

I get so frustrated with myself, when things don't work out perfectly. I want to change NOW, and want it to work PERFECTLY from now on forever. I want to constantly loose weight. I am impatient, and a perfectionist. And if I am not perfect, there is no use in trying anyways. So I quit. ---------

That was the old me, I hope. By now I have learned that change takes time, weightloss takes time, and that there are setbacks, and bums on the road.

So once again (probably not for the last time) I have to get myself up, dust myself of, and go back on track...

My mum and a friend visited me for the weekend. They just left. I and feel so lonely. I hate people leaving. I will see them soon again, but that's not the point. I want the people I love in my life. All the time. Not just visiting. But my friends are scattered all over Europe. Everybody seems to move all the time, including me.

I have this HUGE desire inside of me to not be alone and see people every now and then. I want a family close to me all the time, living with me, I want a real HOME so bad. It's not that I am lonely. I am living with a friend, I talk to people on the phone all the time, that's not it. I just want someone who really cares about me to be waiting for me, when I come home in the evening.

I have not been in a realtionship for ages. And the relationships I have been in, never really were sane, or healthy. And more over I don't feel like I deserve someone to love me. Because I am fat. Because I am not worth it. Because of all the bullshit may father put into my head my whole childhood and which is so hard to come out of. How can I learn to respect myself. It is so hard when you have been infiltrated how bad and wrong you are all your childhood???

I haven't been writing about 'where I come from' yet, and right now it seems too much to handle. And this post is pretty long already. And amost noone is reading this blog anyways, probably because I'm not worth is. (I know it's bullsh*t - but it sure feels this way...)