Everything hurts

I am in a weird place these days. My back hurts and so does my neck. I feel lethargic and have no energy whatsoever.

I will start my new job in a new city in a new country on the 1st of July and until then I had about 4 weeks off, so nothing to do, no place to be, almost no appointments, nothing. That really freaks me out. And I think my subconscious takes advantage of that and brings back all these old memories that I haven’t gotten around to in the therapy that I finished a couple of weeks ago.

In this blog I haven’t written much about me, my issues, my past yet, and I will do it sometime, but it seems like an undoable task to put one’s life, or even the main issues into one post. I wouldn’t know where to start.

I have achieved really a lot in this therapy I have done, but I have not reached a point yet where I could say ‘I am fine now’. I know there is a lot more I have to figure out.

Coming back to what I originally wanted to say. All these memories are men-related things. For me my relationships with men in general, my body, my self-concept and self-acceptance are very much tied to my father, to my childhood and how he perceived me then. I realized that my not-so-healthy experiences with men are so much influenced by his judgments, although I left my parents house quite early.

It really seems that you can run, but not hide. In my fathers eyes was I not only fat, unbearable, a burden (….) but also he would never let me be or develop into a woman. He could not handle any woman-related issues, like puberty, getting your period, having a boyfriend and eventually developing sexual relationships. For him that just didn’t exist. Women and their femaleness were suppressed in any way.

So this is still how I still feel today, I am not entitled to a relationship, I feel guilty when I have sex, like it is something bad and forbidden – which on a conscious level I know is bullsh*t. I can not perceive myself as a woman with all the aspects that belong to being one. Of course I cannot accept my body which leads to not treating it respectful and with love.

Even the thought of a man being interested in me seems so absurd, still, after all these years. I can rarely ever just be – I am always trying to be aware how I look, how I sit in order to show as least fat as possible.

Don’t get me wrong I think I have come quite a long way already; I am dealing quite well with the depression I used to have and only get depressed very rarely. But I still have a long way to go. So my body tells me, it seems like as soon as I have lost a little bit of weight, about 10 lbs so far, it wants the fat back and makes it hard to stick to the plan. The urges to eat, to binge are sooo hard to resist. And sometimes I fail.

But the fact that I am trying should be worth something, shouldn’t it? And weightloss doesn’t happen overnight, does it? After all I have never before given myself so much time for this process, I used to give up so easily. Now I am trying to accept that change takes time and that I will never be perfect – but with time, I will be better!

Also, if anybody actually reads this, I would love a comment, on this post or my blog in general. Is it so bad/boring/… that rarely anybody reads/follows it? I would like to improve – and be part of this blogging-weightloss-support-community… I think I got lots to contribute.