ode to the gym and such...

The other day I came to the gym for a training session with my trainer, and right away he told me 'Hey - you got a nice compliment'!

Apparently someone else who is training there, had been seeing me work out with my trainer, and remarked to him that he thought I was training really hard, and must be really committed....

I try to not see the people around me when I go to the gym, as I still feel quite uncomfortable between the 'He-Mans' and always assume they just make fun of the fat-girl... apparently they DON'T - but quite the opposite... I was so happy - and realized again, a lot of times it's just my perception - my brain that is just used to the negative...

In my last training session I finally admitted to my trainer that I had put on about 10 pounds in the last couple of months - just to get it out. We talked about it for a bit, as he is a great listener and extremely attentive - and I explained to him the vicious circle about feeling depressed and therefor eat, then feeling bad about eating and then even eat more. I told him how I am now trying to manage to get out of this circle (again) - get my eating and exercise under control again.

Also I pointed out how much ENERGY it takes to do so. How hard it is NOT to give up and pull myself up, once again, dust myself off and get back on track. It is sooo hard!

You now what he said? Very simple - and the depth and simplicity was just so sweet.

"But you did it! - You have the energy.'

And you know what? He is right. I did! And I do! I am eating much better again. I lost a couple of pounds again - I feel it (just feel, cause my bloody scale is broken....), I kicked the depression in the a** and I am finally back on track - looking forward to the next loss, next stage and the plan to finally get under the mark of 100 kg (220lbs) -

a number which I haven't seen since 1998...........

Also I have an appointment with a nutritionist tomorrow. I am a bit nervous about it - especially because I had to write a food diary for the last couple of days and will have to actually share and discuss everything I ate... which is  really really difficult for me.

This is a really intimate topic to me - I feel it's none of anyone's business what I put in my mouth. I feel ashamed and exposed. But I guess confronting this fear will be another step in the right direction - getting things out in the open and take the secrecy out of it.

Maybe taking this burden of handling it all by myself will 'lift some weight off my shoulders' - which I found out to be a great strategy recently.

I have been confronting quite some fears, dealt with them, even 'broke up' with a friend who has been dragging me down and sucking my energy in the last year. I am sad about it, and I miss her, too - but she sure was really not good for me - I will refrain from speaking badly about her here, but realizing a person just drags you down is hard to realize and to confront.

My new job enabled me to pay back some debts, and I will continue to do so, which also is a huge relief.

So, all in all, I am quite positive again, feeling able and energetic enough finally to kick a couple more pounds and move on.

Finally getting out of a very depressive phase I also made out some factors that really influence my weight and I will write about them one of these days.

I am really back to this - who would have thought I actually do have the energy and strength to do so...

Having said all this, I will drag my cute little ass to my favorite ZUMBA-class now!!