Ghosts of the past

I went to play Basketball again yesterday, with my colleagues.

And I had been to the gym on Sunday, an had had personal training the day before, on Monday.

Basically I was totally sore already - but still wanted to play. And I did. And I totally sucked. I was tired, hurting, could not concentrate - was completely unsatisfied with my playing.

Eventually I quit, left my team half an hour early and of course beat myself up about it. Because I played badly, because I suck, because I could't make it through to the end.

In the changing room I just started crying - really crying - because this brought up painful memories.

I used to play handball as a kid, and although I had always loved the sport, the team back then, a bunch of teenage girls, was nasty. They were always teasing me, making fun of me, I was always the outsider who didn't have the latest NKOTB-fan-merchandise-T-shirts - or the fancy expensive sneakers, or Levi's jeans... and because I was not the slimmest girl back then already.

I wasn't slim, but I sure wasn't fat either, yet - I was in shape and doing sports, but I already felt massive and like I was the fattest person on the planet, which eventually was (among other things like the teasing) the reason I finally quit.

It was a relief, to avoid the tortourous feelings connected to the team, but I have always missed the sport. So I was extremely happy to have rediscovered the guts to join a Basketball team recently.

Yesterday, all I felt like, was like runing away again - because I felt like I messed up the whole game, didn't do well enough, left the team alone (and so on and so forth - a huge wave of negative emotions) - but I had to wait for my colleagues because we were car-sharing.

Finally one of the semi-professional players came out - was actually wondering whether I was doing alright, and complimented me on my game.... ???

There I was, ready to take the blame and punishment for my bad behaviour, and all I get is compassion and compliments...... confusing that was :-)

Moreover the guy also said I made the right decision by listening to my body and quit when I ran out of all energy and resources.

So - once again, it's all in my head. All in my head.

I guess I need to be open to making new, positive experiences and not always expect the worst...

And after 3 following nights of hard workouts, I deserve a night at home, in my tub, with a book!!