Lost...

This past week was crazy. Not normal. So many strange feelings that need to be dealt with.

My date on Thursday almost literally drove me crazy. I was so tense all day that I felt like crying when the actual time had come... Well - it turned out to be rather unexciting. We went to eat something (yeah, great, go for dinner with someone with eating issues...) and talked. For about an hour. That was it. Just friends, or buddies rather. Frustrating, because unfortunately I really like the guy. Did I metion that he is my Personal Trainer at the gym??

So - it was his idea to meet outside the gym. Maybe we should have kept it strictly to business - but now we went this step, and I dunno for what reasons. Because unfortunately I can't stop thinking about him. Usually when I have a crush, it goes away eventually. This time it won't. I have been waiting for 'it' to go away for almost half a year now. I just like hime more everytime I see him. (Damn!!) My next appointment will be on Tuesday (regular personal training) and then he invited me to his Birthday the week after. Oh, and he payed for dinner which apparently is not very common for a Dutch person...

Well, ever since then, with a couple other strange things happening, my eating has been off a little. Which frustrates me a lot, because I've been really on track lately. Rather than putting a number on it, I stay away from the scale - numbers would make it worse.

Last night I was confronted with a rush of strange (formally unknown, hidden and buried by huge amounts of chocolate and ultimately fat) feelings - and I managed to go through it for a while... crying a little, talking to myself, yelling at the walls, bitching to my pillows... but after a while, when it would not go away I went for food. And it had the expected effect - it calmed me down and helped me stuff down the feelings.

It's never a good solution, but yesterday it seemed that it hepled me from getting crazy alltogether. I did not feel particularly good afterwards, but calm and a little saner than before. Gave me another deeper understanding why I was a compulsive eater in the first place - I try not to judge myself for it today, because it would only make things worse. Rather I will get on track today, and try to push through these things in the future. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I seems that losing weight uncovers a lot of things that have been covered up or pressed down by tons of chcolate and pizzas. Now, layer by layer they are uncovered and demand to be dealt with. Is anybody experiencing the same? Cause I feel kinda lost here....???