bruised and shattered

I hate Christmas. I am so glad it is finally over.

Going home makes me go back in time - and old times were not good. I let my family treat me like sh*t (sorry Jack) and makes me realize how f*cked up this family is.

It's truly amazing how cold people can be. There is no nice or friendly words whatsoever. No hugging. No love basically. Just complaining and gossiping, criticisism on how other people lead their lives - as if they were so much better. But I guess its's easier to focus on the outside instead of looking at oneself.

There is no communication either. All we / they ever talk about is random, unimpotart stuff. No personal communication. No interest in each others lives, because it would mean the least bit of involvement of feelings.

And feelings are not desired. One is not supposed to FEEL anything in that family. You're supposed to function - not to feel or disturb or distract others with emotions.

So I drowned my my emotions in tons of chocolate - like in the past.

And it made me realize why I was eating so much back then. There was no other way to stay remotely sane than eating, preferably chocolate, to stay calm. A somewhat natural suppressant.

This family is not able to handle any sort of feelings.

Realizing that I am different is good on one hand, because I am learning to handle my emotions and express them. It gets me closer to people and live a richer life.

On the other hand being different detaches me from my family, the people who should be close and caring.

As there is no way of changing them (I have tried that to the biggest possible extent) all I can do is accept. Accept that my family is not as loving as I would like it to be. Accept that they don't care much or are interested in me or my life. Accept the fact that I need to create my own loving environment. Accept that they will never be like I want them to be. Accept that I am different.

Being in that environment brings up the biggest doubts about how I lead my life. If you're the only different person in environment makes you doubt yoursef. Maybe I am the alien who does everything wrong?

Well, somewhere deep down I know that I am on the right track, taking care of myself, trying to create a loving environment, develop love for myself and make peace with my body and my past.

But after days of old input, old behaviour, old influence, the transition back to ME is tough. Really tough.