It's 11:30 on Saturday morning. Like every Saturday I need a lot of time in the morning for nothing really. For breakfast, coffee, computer, reading....
Then, eventually I start feeling guilty about not doing something 'real', something important, something that Ihave postponed all week because I didn't have time. (And I am going to be writing about GUILT until it goes away....eventually)
Also, I want to enjoy my weekend and do something fun. Eventually I have so many things on my mind that I want/need to do, that I end up doing nothing, because it all seems too much to bear.
That's the way it's been all my life. So instead of doing 'something' or 'one thing' at least, I usually do nothing, end up feeling even more guilty, trying to justify this with a long week of work lying behind me.
So, whenever I am not doing anything useful, these voices in my head go off about how fat and lazy I am. How I am just hanging around doing nothing (which is fine for a weekend, right???)
Actually this voice in my head is a very well known one called 'dad'! Thank you very much.
I just had a talk with my roommate the other day about how much of our parents is in our heads.
In my past therapy the main issue was to get him out. But before getting him out, step by step, I had to realize where, in which parts of my life he actually is. And it's everywhere. His judicial, criticizing voice is ALWAYS there. When I look in the mirror I see myself through his eyes. Whith whatever I do, work, a paper, a meal, a talk, (...) it's never good enough, NEVER.
It's not surprising - I remember 2 specific situations that I am going to share:
Once I returned from school very proud because I had received an A- for an English exam and was so happy about it. Of course I showed him in one of those attempts to make him proud, to finally be 'right' or good enough. He read through it, looked at the little mistake I made and started saying how stupid I was to have made this little mistake, it could have been a straight A - if I hadn't been so careless.... So much about motivation and encouragement...
These feeling of being a disappointment and of never being 'right' sticks with me until this day. I have to learn how nobody, absolutely NOBODY perceives me as a disappointment these days. I have to actually learn that there are people out there, who like me. I have to fight that feeling I have that everyone would be better off without me. That they'd rather not have me with them, that I am a burden.
In another talk with my roommate she told me how disappointed she once was, when I did not show up for meeting with friends. I felt bad, didn't want to bother them with my presence and stayed home after struggling with the decision all day. In the end I had made it to be a disappointment, but for the wrong reason. I thought they wouldn't want be - and they were disappointed because I didn't show up. And of course - I felt GUILTY.
The other story - and I just realize how big of a post this is gonna be - I also need to put out into the open. It's a bit of an example for the actual cruelty of my dad. I was 15 or 16, wanting to go out for party with my friends. We had to go by bike, and my mum didn't not want me to go back alone at night. All my friends were allowed to stay until 12 at night; my dead insisted for me to be back at 11. I secretly listened to their discussion and what I heard hit me, hit me really hard:
- my mother: "I don't want her to bike back alone in the midlle fo the night"
- my dad in this patronizing, almost amused voice: "Nobody is gonna touch her anyways!"
Then, eventually I start feeling guilty about not doing something 'real', something important, something that Ihave postponed all week because I didn't have time. (And I am going to be writing about GUILT until it goes away....eventually)
Also, I want to enjoy my weekend and do something fun. Eventually I have so many things on my mind that I want/need to do, that I end up doing nothing, because it all seems too much to bear.
That's the way it's been all my life. So instead of doing 'something' or 'one thing' at least, I usually do nothing, end up feeling even more guilty, trying to justify this with a long week of work lying behind me.
So, whenever I am not doing anything useful, these voices in my head go off about how fat and lazy I am. How I am just hanging around doing nothing (which is fine for a weekend, right???)
Actually this voice in my head is a very well known one called 'dad'! Thank you very much.
I just had a talk with my roommate the other day about how much of our parents is in our heads.
In my past therapy the main issue was to get him out. But before getting him out, step by step, I had to realize where, in which parts of my life he actually is. And it's everywhere. His judicial, criticizing voice is ALWAYS there. When I look in the mirror I see myself through his eyes. Whith whatever I do, work, a paper, a meal, a talk, (...) it's never good enough, NEVER.
It's not surprising - I remember 2 specific situations that I am going to share:
Once I returned from school very proud because I had received an A- for an English exam and was so happy about it. Of course I showed him in one of those attempts to make him proud, to finally be 'right' or good enough. He read through it, looked at the little mistake I made and started saying how stupid I was to have made this little mistake, it could have been a straight A - if I hadn't been so careless.... So much about motivation and encouragement...
These feeling of being a disappointment and of never being 'right' sticks with me until this day. I have to learn how nobody, absolutely NOBODY perceives me as a disappointment these days. I have to actually learn that there are people out there, who like me. I have to fight that feeling I have that everyone would be better off without me. That they'd rather not have me with them, that I am a burden.
In another talk with my roommate she told me how disappointed she once was, when I did not show up for meeting with friends. I felt bad, didn't want to bother them with my presence and stayed home after struggling with the decision all day. In the end I had made it to be a disappointment, but for the wrong reason. I thought they wouldn't want be - and they were disappointed because I didn't show up. And of course - I felt GUILTY.
The other story - and I just realize how big of a post this is gonna be - I also need to put out into the open. It's a bit of an example for the actual cruelty of my dad. I was 15 or 16, wanting to go out for party with my friends. We had to go by bike, and my mum didn't not want me to go back alone at night. All my friends were allowed to stay until 12 at night; my dead insisted for me to be back at 11. I secretly listened to their discussion and what I heard hit me, hit me really hard:
- my mother: "I don't want her to bike back alone in the midlle fo the night"
- my dad in this patronizing, almost amused voice: "Nobody is gonna touch her anyways!"
...meaning my mum would not need to worry that anybody would ever even want to assault or rape me...
And trust me, I didn't get that wrong. He said that, and he meant it.
I could go on and on with examples and judgments of this sort - but this pretty much examplifies how I grew up, and probably shows a bit how much of external judgement I have to get out of my system. And that is not always easy, when you have internalized someone else's view of yourself for so many years.
My therapist put it this way: I have to identify all of his judgement in all the aspects of my life, little by little and then replace them with my own opinion or perspective. Little by little. Step by step. And it's not easy.
I looked at some pictures we made when my friend was here. I looked at myself and just thought how fat and horrible I looked. Then I tried to look again, and again, trying to look at myself a little more lovingly. Slowly starting to see that I was not only fat, but also have somthing kind, loving, open, friendly, caring in me.
I am not only fat. I am so many other things too!
And trust me, I didn't get that wrong. He said that, and he meant it.
I could go on and on with examples and judgments of this sort - but this pretty much examplifies how I grew up, and probably shows a bit how much of external judgement I have to get out of my system. And that is not always easy, when you have internalized someone else's view of yourself for so many years.
My therapist put it this way: I have to identify all of his judgement in all the aspects of my life, little by little and then replace them with my own opinion or perspective. Little by little. Step by step. And it's not easy.
I looked at some pictures we made when my friend was here. I looked at myself and just thought how fat and horrible I looked. Then I tried to look again, and again, trying to look at myself a little more lovingly. Slowly starting to see that I was not only fat, but also have somthing kind, loving, open, friendly, caring in me.
I am not only fat. I am so many other things too!
You definitely are so many other things. I can totally relate to replacing bad messages with good ones. It's not an easy journey. Congratulations on your progress.
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