So I guess I am going to keep posting today. Put everything out of my head into my blog. Hopefully it will help the clean up the mess up there.

I am in my last week at work. And it f*cks me up somehow. At first I couldn’t wait for this week to finally be over.

Now I notice some weird behavior in myself. I arrived really late today, and I am not finishing up the project (instead I am blogging...) which is only a little bit of work left. So it seems my subconscious wants to stay a little longer after all. Does it now? Moreover I am not in the mood to take the necessary steps to move on. I feel stuck, once again. I pile up the things I have to do instead of just getting over it.

I had my last therapy-session on Monday; it seems I need one now.

I got good a night’s sleep last night, still I could barely get myself out of bed and to work. After managing not to binge because of all these negative emotions for breakfast, I did for lunch then. I felt calmer, of course, probably because of the amount of tiramisu I consumed, but not the least bit better, rather the opposite actually.

Unfortunately I can't really identify what is bugging me so much. The fact I don't have a therapist anymore? Leaving the job I have been having for the last one and half years? The fact I am going to be in Amsterdam this coming Sunday, and barely have anytime for myself until then? Or the plain insecurity about what is going to happen once I am in Amsterdam? Not knowing whether things are gonna work out the way I want them to? Or just the fact that I hate having job interviews there. Which is actually a good thing, if I just wasn’t so fucking scared…

Sometimes I feel like I will never get a job because of my weight. (Which is bullsh*t cause I have always been working ever since I was 15 years old) But the first impression people get is always about looks - and fat people like me look lazy, and dumb according to prejudices. I am quite sure I am neither, but what if they still won't take me?

In the past I was mostly underachieving when it came to jobs, because I was scared of rejection. So I took something easy to obtain to ‘at least’ have a job cause I thought I couldn’t get a better once, cause I am fat…

I have a degree after all; I don’t want just any job, I want a good one that challenges me and offers a reasonable wage. Anybody got one for me? In Amsterdam would be convenient....