I just exercised my bathroom clean...

One reason I wanted to move here - to Amterdam - was the weather. I expected it to be less hot and less humid being so close to the sea.

Well, I maybe it is. Still it's f*ucking hot and humid right now. And usually I get pretty lethargic with this kind of weather. But just now I wasn't. I vacuumed the whole appartment, and cleaned my bathroom like crazy. I was  totally wet afterwards, from spraying water and sweat.

Feels good! And I am gonna enjoy a shower in my freshly cleaned bathroom in a bit.

Something else I wanted to talk about:

I still cannot really accept the fact that I am not perfect. And moreover I make myself feel guilty all the time. I felt guilty the whole day, because I did not clean the appartment on the weekend, which is the arrangement with my flatmate. She was not even here, and she isn't now, but still I felt guilty. Because I was not doing what I am supposed to do.

I also feel guilty for not ghostwriting an essay which I promised a friend to do for him.
I fee guilty when I 'steal' a bit of milk for my coffee from my roommate.
I feel guilty because I don't write e-mails to friends regularly.
I feel guilty at work when I don't work 'perfectly'.
I feel guilty when I make too much noise in the morning, although my roommate never wakes up because of that.
I feel guilty when I leave my stuff lying around, although noone cares about it.
I feel guilty when I don't do something on the weekend, I feel guilty for just relaxing, which I really can't because I feel guilty.
(...)

So why do I do that? Why do I make myself feel guilty and bad all the time. Sometimes all it takes is 'to get over it'. Like going to the municipality. I postponed that for almost 2 months. Therefor I could't get a bank account and due to that I could not get health insurance yet.

When I finally went there, it was so damn easy. It was of course no problem to be half an hour late at work for that reason. The same day I finally managed to go to the bank, went quite smoothly and I had an account within half an hour. No problems whatsoever. But the weeks before it had grown into this massive, unbearable monster in my head, how to manage ALL that.....

And I felt guilty about it for 8 weeks...

I  don't get it.

Why do I do that?

Same with eating. Makes me feel guilty if I overeat. Worst case scenario: I keep on eating to numb the feeling of guilt. Which leads to feeling even more guilty...vicious circle...

So the big question is, where does this need of feeling guilty come from??? The only person judging me is myself, noone else. Why do I need to feel guilty? WHY???